Secret Revealed.

Never imagined I would be telling another living soul about this. Then again, never thought I would ever come out. Yet here I am, years later, blogging on my very own gay blog.

I was sexually violated when I was a kid. I never knew what it was. Kids never do, do they? I was not raped or anything. I am sorry if you are disappointed. And please, leave.

He is my paternal cousin brother. Elder by 9 or 10 years? I can't remember. Or rather, I never know. I've always referred to him as **** gor gor. He is quite popular among the ladies. My aunts and also my mum and sisters. He bakes, draws, makes delicate things from color papers or wooden stuff and he is rather feminine. Typical gay traits, I suppose.

He came over to visit one day. My mum was not home but one of my sisters was. I cannot remember the whole event. I do remember him asking me to the attic. He took off his pants and asked me to rub his genitals. I complied. Not until years later did I know it was called masturbation. After the whole process, he asked me not to tell anyone. That is all I can remember of that day.


Naturally I did not feel anything. I was even in joy getting the QuikSilver watch he gave me on my birthday that very same year. He did not give it to me personally. The gift was passed to my mum instead.

It took years for me to realize what I did. What he did. I hated him. He avoided meeting with me or even making eye contact whenever we met during festives. He acted like the victim. Thinking back, I was such a coward not standing up for myself. Yes, I did think of telling my parents. Even then, I knew nothing good would come out of it. So, I kept it to myself for what could have been ten years. Somewhere along the sexual discovery path, I blamed him, the entire incident for my then weird liking for boys.

Not until a couple of nights ago, the very thought I had been trying so hard to shut away resurfaced. Apart from my being gay, this is my other big secret. Something I just need to let go. And move on. And no, I no longer hate him. Though I am still waiting for that sense of relief to hit me anytime now.



p/s: my friends always say i'm a bad secret keeper. feels strange, when i've been secretly keeping 2 for almost a decade. oops, guess they're right. i'm a bad secret keeper.