On Coming Out. Part 2.

We sat face to face in the restaurant. I had told her the night before via MSN. I honestly did not anticipate the reaction from her. I carefully pick out the ones I come out to. Practically cried myself to sleep that night.


This is how the MSN conversation went. Part of it.

Me : I need to tell u something.
Bff : It must be super serious.
Me : I'm telling you this 'cause I trust you. I just want you to be on the other side with me.
Bff : I won't hate you, no matter how bad you are.
Me : Even if I am not interested in women?
Bff : Please tell me you are just kidding.
Me : Why would I joke about something like this? I'm not interested in women.

Bff : You said you had a girlfriend.
Me : Yes I did.
Bff : I think you just haven't met the right one yet.
Me : No, I've been gay for years now. Just didn't have the courage to come out as one back then.

Bff : I feel like crying. I thought all this while, you'd been living very happily.
Me : It's not ur fault! And I HAVE been living very happily, surrounded by you guys. You all made it possible, bearable for me. Please don't cry. I know you're crying.
Bff : How can you be sure? I'm sure one day you'll find your Ms. Right.
Me : You have to understand. I can't just come out publicly, people hate people like me, dont accept us. The idea of coming out is so scary that I used to tell myself sometimes that I wasn't gay.

Bff : It's impossible! Do u know how many girls are into you? My heart is so in pain now.
Me : I know it's hard to understand.
Bff : Can i share some of your pain? So that you won't suffer so much.
Me : It's not all bad. I have friends. It's not really that lonely on the other side. It's just so much more difficult when I'm walking on the line.
Bff : All the things you've been telling me...
Me : I have told lies. And I am not proud of it. Not one bit. I could run forever but I'd never be who I truly am.

Me : I'm sorry i've put u through all this.
Bff : I'm sad not 'cause of who you are. I'm 'cause you're going to suffer for the rest of ur life.
Me : Please don't think that way.

It seems like it went well. But somehow I had the feeling that she's merely feeling sorry for me. Sympathy was the last thing I wanted. What's worse was that I cared. I called her up and the line didn't get through.

..................................................................................................

In the restaurant, we looked at each other for a good few minutes before I finally broke the silence.

"Please say or ask me something. It'll get easier once you understand. There's so many things I want to share with you. And I can't do it when we're still at this stage."

Her tears started dropping.

I just went blank. Merely able to look at her at the same time trying not to stare.

This time, she filled in the gap.

"I'm not crying 'cause I pity you. I'm in tears 'cause I know you can finally be yourself again. That you told me. I want to be there for you."

Then the conversation just carried itself along. I knew it's going to be okay. The relief was undescribable. At a point she asked me, "Since you like guys, have you ever considered sex reassignment surgery?"

Another silence happened. Only this time it was followed by laughter.


p/s : she's being mother-like and very protective nowadays. i need to find myself a 'father'. everyone needs to be loved.